i jhust puked up my retainher.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
