its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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