I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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