i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
