Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We left the knife in your bed.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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