Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
