I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
COCAINE IS GR8
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
