he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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