i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
What a dumb baby whore.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
