I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
