I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
