i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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