My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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