so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
