At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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