just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
