You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
