Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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