my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
