yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
