rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
