***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
