no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
