The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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