My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
