I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
