I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize