Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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