Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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