This is not my ceiling
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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