mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
