I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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