now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
