Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
