If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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