remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
