I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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