I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
