I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
