peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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