im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
