she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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