I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize