can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
