My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My vagina is officially offended.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
