I think my fart just growled at me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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