I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
