Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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