GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
