i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
