I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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