I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
