i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i drank out of a bidet.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
