I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
