Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
