I'm going to jail i love you
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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