So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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