I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
