Define "chronic" masturbator.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
