3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize