dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
