She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I will pee on everything he values.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
