I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
